Dealing with Hateful People
“Quality of life depends on what happens in the space between stimulus and response.” ~ Stephen Covey
We have all encountered these lost souls. I personally equate hateful people to the grade school bully. You know the one – he or she cuts everyone else down to make himself or herself feel better. They actually have the audacity to go out of their way to be hateful toward another human being. It’s a dominance trait and it’s ugly. Mostly because when we get down to the bare bones of reality, they are no better than the person they have been attempting to destroy. I am dealing with this same sort of ugliness as we speak. It takes every fiber of my being (which is exhausting) not to slam her back. If I did, then what would that make me?
A little back story: I offended her. I didn’t mean to offend her. She demanded an apology and since I do not have her phone number, I emailed an apology to her. Of which, she didn’t have the courtesy to read. Why demand something if you are too cowardly to acknowledge it when you do receive it? Maybe because she wanted to ‘control’ me – pull the strings of a puppet, or so to speak. After 6 weeks, I resent it via another venue, and that’s when the attacks began again – for the 3rd time .
She is just a hateful woman. I cannot believe that one person could have that much anger pent up inside of her. She said she was willing to leave well enough alone, but I couldn’t. Huh? I sent a freakin’ apology that she requested. Maybe she gets her jollies out of engaging in destructiveness. What is the purpose of choosing to slam another human being continually? What intrinsic value does she gain? Further, what does she think she’s doing to me by being ugly? She’s just making herself look foolish, which is what she accused me of doing in the first place. I certainly do not have the stamina nor the patience to indulge her in a battle hillbilly wits.
So how does one deal with hateful people? Unfortunately, wishing them away won’t work – believe me when I say, I tried. Here are some suggestions penned by Diana Lynn (with my own comments interspersed):
- Don’t take it personally. This isn’t easy. Some people are just hateful. Their hateful behavior has nothing to do with you. One of the worst things you can do is to start wondering what YOU did. Usually, nothing. Hateful people are hateful regardless of your actions. It is wise to steer clear of provoking them, but their poor behavior is their choice. (My 1st mistake is trying to reason with the unreasonable)
- Be calm and quiet. Defensive outbursts serve no purpose. When you’re enduring hateful behavior just be quiet and remain calm. Breathe deeply. (I really, really want to defend myself and I did initially, but no more – this was mistake #2)
- Be professional. Retaliation is the urge to fight or defend yourself …. It empowers the hateful person. By achieving number one, not taking it personally, you can maintain a professional demeanor more easily. (Ugh! Mistake #3 – trying to reason, only empowered her)
- Measure your response. When and if you do respond, make sure it’s very calculated. A well thought out reply or response is always better than some off the cuff remark. Think carefully and clearly about your response. Consider the risks and rewards of your response. Give serious consideration to using no response as your response. Weigh all your options carefully. (The final email, I just told her I intended to apologize and I did what I intended to do – I did not leave myself open for further attacks – she can hardly retaliate to that. Update: She reported this last email as SPAM which got me shut down temporarily)
- Let go. (And this I will do. I will read her emails, but I will refrain from responding because it’s obvious she never truly wanted an apology – just a virtual punching bag)
The 90/10 Principle within Quadrant II dictates that 10% of life is made up of what happens to us. 90% of life is decided by how we react. What does this mean? We really have no control over 10% of what happens to us. I need to take the time to reflect upon the stimulus (her attacks on me based on an unfounded fear of losing her husband) and then proactively choose a response that demonstrates my own integrity. How I choose to react to what happened will make all the difference.
What I really wanna do is rip off her head and spit down her neck (if I feel satisfied, I might just place her head back on her neck – out of kindness). That was my initial response to her attacks – fight fire with fire. However, my final response reflected my intentions – to apologize for offending her. Whether she chooses to accept the apology or not is not my within my c
ircle of concern and by extension, circle of influence.
If all else fails, I have a VooDoo doll from New Orleans that I just may have to put to good use! =]
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