I am Weak

What a title!

I am weak!

Wow … powerful.

That’s huge for me. What brought me to this assertion or to the point of seemingly downing who I am as a woman?

I tell ya … my marriage sucks. I could blame the problems on my husband. Perhaps rightly so. But that’s not my purpose today.

I’m here to learn how to submit to my husband.

You see, I have always been what I deemed as a very strong woman.

It’s not so much my way or the highway, rather, it’s more that I will pound my righteous ways into you, until you really understand that your way is incorrect.

Your way will lead you down a bad path.

Your way will fail.

And I’ll be standing there waiting to dish out the I told ya so’s

Cue in … Sheer Satisfaction.

And then it happens … I feel deflated. I emotionally hurt another human being. I see the pain I caused. I see the disappointment. I see the diminished sense of worth. And all I can think about is … I did that!

That’s not strength!

If it’s not strength, then what is it?

It’s weakness!

I’m weak, because I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to let him live his own truth, because I am afraid he will pull me down a bad path.

I am afraid that he will do something that will not only destroy our already very broken marriage, but will also torment me by not giving a damn.

I read something today ~ something that I found myself envying …

The article was about dreaming with your husband.

I want that, but I can’t have it. He would never go for it.

But why?

The article went on to answer the why ~ to speak my truth.

Start with contentment.

You see, he sees the act of dreaming as a sign that I am not content (because truthfully, I am not).

He sees my dreams as not his.

He sees my dreams as a threat that I plan to live a life without him.

Brooding is Destructive.

Not getting my way causes me to brood incessantly about it.

It makes me feel lousy and makes things worse in our marriage.

While I am not in a place of putting the kabash on the brooding, I am in a place of changing my patterns of behavior.

I actually began thinking about and putting into action these things yesterday. And let me tell you, it was very difficult to turn off the negativity in my head.

It was difficult for me to yield to his wants and desires.

For example, he likes foot rubs. I asked him to soak his feet, because quite honestly, his feet are a mess. He refused.

And I let it go.

Letting it go is not a big deal to most, but that is a huge accomplishment for me.

I’m still brooding about a myriad of different issues.

I was recently thinking about death (because it’s touched our family recently and also because we are nearing that half-century mark). Wouldn’t it be a wonderful thing to make sure he spends each and every day on this earth knowing he is respected and loved. I can make his life happy or miserable. I do have that power.

It’s time.

I need to try to take on a different approach to save my marriage.

  • I am not going to speak about him negatively to anyone, nor will I give the impression that I see him as some sort of bumbling idiot.
  • I will yield to his instruction. That does not mean that I will not voice my opinion. It just means that in the end, he makes the final decision.

Giving up control is only something a strong woman can do.

And I need to start walking my big talk.

Very Raw Update:

Fought April 6 – 8, to the point that I told him I wanted a divorce and he was looking up ways to include my inheritance as marital property (that really gets my blood boiling, because then I start thinking he’s a gold-digger). He really let me down this week – I’m very hurt that he didn’t care about my biopsy, that I had to go to alone. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. Soooo not how I wanted things to go.

This is what happens, though. I have great plans for a future with him. Loving and kind and fun – and in a flash, all those hopes and dreams go up in smoke. I’m not usually the one to start the arguments, but I am the one who will keep them going.

I have to find a way to stop the fighting.

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